“You have a hormone imbalance.” Simple words spoken by my female doctor that would forever change my life. Being unmarried and 26, I wasn’t sure what those words meant for me. I just knew I wasn’t getting a cycle like I once did. I had gone through some weight gain- and then weight loss – and so I thought my infrequent cycle was due to changes in my weight. The nurse that came to sit beside me smiled and told me we could talk or cry if we needed to. I was still unsure what any of this meant, told the nurse I was fine, and left the doctor’s office.
I went home, and did what any person of the internet age would do – I got on Google. I started looking at what hormone imbalances meant. Struggles with getting pregnant. Medicine – that could alter my personality and how I felt. Whenever you deal with hormones- you are altering more then just the way your body reacts- you are altering who you are. My head began to wrap around the idea. I struggled with something that would require medicine – for a the rest of my life. Or, I would live with the effects.
The doctor had told me since I was not sexually active, nor wanting to get pregnant – that I didn’t need to take medications yet if I didn’t want to. I choose not to. I didn’t see a real reason to change what was working okay for me. I figured when I got married, we would deal with it.
I lived with this knowledge for a few years alone. I didn’t want to talk about it – because I didn’t want to deal with it. I felt like if I didn’t talk about it – didn’t share – that it wasn’t real. Then, I met my husband. Back to the doctor I went. I tried the first medicine, and felt crazy on it. Hot flashes, horrible dreams, and increased hunger. Tried another- similar results. Since I tried some of the medications, I have gained a lot of weight. All the while walking toward my wedding day – and the truth. I was…
Before Scott and I even started dating, he had told me that He had his first wife (who had passed away) had thought they were done with children – and so he had a vasectomy. I told him in the same conversation that I struggled with a hormone imbalance. Nothing big about it – no issue. However, as we moved toward dating -and than marriage – our desire to have a child together one day grew. I was so excited to become the “bonus mom” to our three blessings – but the longing inside my heart was still to have a baby. To experience life with my child from the very beginning. Hubby and I talked, and prayed, and cried. Many tears out of our eyes and hearts. I had such adverse effects to the medications I tried – that I just couldn’t stay on them. So, Scott and I sought wise counsel.
We talked to several friends, and older wiser people in our churches. Medical counsel. We came down to some blunt basics. There were choices for me- but they were expensive. IVF (In Vitro Fertilization) is very expensive and invasive- and it doesn’t always take. My medication was expensive – and had adverse effects (that I didn’t want to have while being a mom – and some of them would effect the physical side of mine and hubby’s relationship.) If we tried just medicine- Scott would also need reversal surgery – which is also expensive and doesn’t always work. Or then there was adoption.
If you have heard much of my story- you know adoption started in my heart from before I was born. I didn’t know my biological dad- and was adopted by my step dad at the age of three. He never treated me different then my siblings. I always knew I was loved. He was a wonderful example of God’s love for us (found in Romans and Ephesians 1:4-6). I had been around families that had adopted and had always thought I would like to adopt after I had biological children. I just never thought it would be the ONLY way I would grow my family.
Scott and I did a lot of praying. We realized a lot of money was going to go into any of our choices. However, we want to be a good steward of the money God has given us. So, we decided adoption was our best bet. The other options didn’t really promise us a baby- adoption had the most promise. Plus, we would get to have an eternal effect on the life of a child, and maybe a birth family. We could be a missionary in our own home.
Currently, Scott and I have paid almost $9,000 for our adoption. Please don’t think that all these fundraisers are a way for us to ask others to do for us. However, we know God owns the cattle on a thousand hills. He owns EVERY DOLLAR IN THE WORLD. We know that He has people that He will use to bless us – and to help us bring our sweet baby home.
Every day, I live with infertility. I see “I am pregnant” announcements. Gender reveals. Ultrasounds. And I am excited – for every. single. one. However, some of the greatest advice I have been given has been to grieve. Yes, I grieve. Three to four times a year, when I do get a cycle, I cry. I grieve for the loss of a child that will never be in my womb. Eyes that wont look like mine. Kicks and flutters in my tummy that wont be felt. Yes my friend, if you struggle with infertility, please grieve. You have a right -you have loss. Most people don’t feel like I have dealt with loss- because the baby was never there. However, it is the loss of what WON’T be.
I hold my hands open. I don’t know what God is going to do. I know in just 3 days, this adoption fundraiser will be over – and although there will still be post about adoption (for education) – we wont be asking for as much help. We have given SO many ways that people can help us. But the days for these fundraisers are coming to a close.
If you were thinking of waiting until we have a “match” to help us – the reality is, we might not share that information with everyone. We know there is a chance the birth mom will back out. We might share- we might not. We don’t know yet. However, we can’t be matched without the funds. It doesn’t work that way at our agency. There is no payment plan. You don’t get matched without the funds. So, please, if you feel like you are waiting – don’t wait.
Besides the fundraisers listed in the link above, we are selling t-shirts (and we need to sell about 40 more!) and bracelets. If you follow the link from the t-shirt graphic – it will take you to a secure site for your address. You can pay via the GoFundMe Link. T-shirts are 20 – bracelets are 2.00.
Then- there is our adoption bundle. 26 amazing eBooks – all for $10.00. The authors are not making a profit- they are giving everything to our adoption. You can get yours by clicking the image below. Also, be sure to check out the giveaway (valued at over $300.00)
I live with infertility. Every day. It isn’t going away. I hid and kept quiet for a long time. But, if I have learned anything from this journey – it is that I shouldn’t hide. That there are other women like me out there. We need each other. We need to lock shields, and support and encourage one another. Hold each other in our hard times- and rejoice in victories.
I will worship as I LIVE with infertility. I will live – giving ALL glory to God – for He is going to give me children in a supernatural way.
Worshiping With My Life,